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The fact that you improved the spacing and basically rewrote the chapter in my opinion is a good thing. The reason being, the spacing is more consistent and looks easier on the eyes (for me anyways). The elements you included this time around do actually spark curiosity as opposed to a siimple funeral scene that you had before.
Grammar for most part is good, again no one is perfect so not going to be picky about it. Story elements wise, I like the fact that you have your character question what maybe perfect and what may not be, it implies your character is a deep thinker in some ways, rather than a broad way of thinking. It gives your character some depth, hopefully you do something like this again in the future chapters, deep thinking is a significant part of first person literature after all. Torture sequences are alright I suppose, not a big fan of torture without good reason (logical reason) but if it helps drive the story forward and you can utilize that in the future chapters, then great.
Overall, the characterization this time around was better than the last time. Elements for the plot were better that actually sparked curiosity (at least in me it did). However I'll say that try not to take it in the general direction most of these types of stories tend to go in, like you know your character starts out crappy but then their life gradually improves. Giving an emphasis on the crappy part of their life can make them more relatable in the way you handle it, happy parts of life personally aren't that great to read through for drama, little bits and pieces are fine here and there. Especially for a story of this dark nature, you really will want to nail down the dark esque feel in the character's life.
Okay so right off the bat:
- You still need to work on the spacing between your paragraphs. If you go look at any book out there, it will always have spaces between its paragraphs. So something like 1.15 or 1.5 is good enough (easier to achieve in Word and the copy and paste it in the text editor here).
- I presume this sentence is refering to the past: "we'd sat drinking tea", then it's best to use "we had sat drinking tea" instead of "we'd", it can stand for many things like we would or we had, it kind of creates confusion.
- Again I'm not really getting any dark fantasy vibes from it. When you mention the part about heathens, it gives off a more supernatural vibe to the rest of the chapter from there onwards. Then again imagining the improbable does fall under fantasy I suppose, but doesn't really feel as dark. Mainly because witches have been overdone.
- As I mentioned before, the dark vibes from the chapter seem to be lacking, because funerals and witchse are overdone, perhaps in how character interactions were handleed may have made it dark. Like if the main character (the witch) had interacted with her friend Cat Sith, and one side was more against humans than the other; the words that anti-human side would spout could give it a darker tone.
For the good:
- The grammar for the most part is well done.
- And basically everything I had mentioned in my previous review for the good.
Out of curiosity, what exactly is it are you trying to get your readers to see from this story? Are you trying to teach some sort of moral lesson? Or some philosophical deep thoughts? Or are you writting this from the top of your head at the moment?
Planning the core essence of the story may better help you get a sense for what you want your readers to feel and learn as they explore this story. Because the first and second chapter are what normally either keep your readers or break them, so its best to figure out a direction well ahead of time and the ending as well.
One more tip, don't mention that it will have a happy ending. That just takes the suspense out of the whole darkness in the story. Because if we know it will have a happy ending, there is no point in worrying about what will happen to our character. If you don't say anything, then people will be kept in suspsense along with the protagonist to see their ending.
Hi Mad Rollinstone,
Note: As a heads up, I'll end up being extremely honest in my review here.
So right of the bat after reading the first chapter, here are some sugggestions:
- Work on the spacing between your paragraphs, it makes it easier on the eyes to read.
- Try to review your chapters as much as possible for grammar. For example you've written: "I was fuming inside a long with [...]". The words "a long", did you mean to say "along"? Because when I read it like it is right now, it sounds a tad off, I'm not too sure about what you exactly meant to say there.
- Also while the stuff put into this chapter is good for an opening sequence, I think it could've done with more content put into it to peak the reader's curiosity and interest. I didn't really feel very curious nor interested mainly because there have been many funeral scenes written throughout literature. Maybe add in some fantasy esque material in the first chapter that is unique to your story, that can help peak the reader's interest in the story (at least for me it will).
- Most of your grammar is well done, just the minor point I mentioned up above.
- I liked the use of the flowers to describe the different meanings behind the character bonds and care.
Overall it's an okay start, if more content is put into the first chapter, then it can be improved even more. I hope these points end up helping you improve for your future postings =).